Culinary Catastrophes

Did you ever have one of those moments when nothing went right? A while ago, a few summers ago to be exact, I decided to be creative and embark on making a pizza. Now ordinarily making pizza is not that difficult. As long as you have the right ingredients it usually comes out pretty good. NOT NEW JERSEY GOOD, but edible nonetheless. Those of you from the Garden State know what I mean.

To make a long story short (yeah, right) I decided to grill the pizza instead of putting it in the oven like normal people. But I'm not normal (according to my family) so, I thought, "why not?" I saw Michael Chiarello, Emeril, and Bobby make grilled pizza! Oh, and that cocky rich women who lives in the Hamptons that has a show on how to make everything you cook "simply Fabulous!" grilled pizza too. So why not me? After making the homemade sauce (gravy ----as my best friend Angel whom I have not talked to at all lately because I'm lazy, and who is also half Italian will tell you it should be called), shredding the mozzeralla cheese by hand with a grater, making homemade pizza dough, adding herbs and seasonings and EVOO and plenty of GAHHHLICK, I was ready to assemble the tasty treat.

Ohhhhhhh, this is gonna be goooood, I thought. WRONG! What I forgot to do was follow the recipe directions. Thinking that I was ready to be THE NEXT FOODNETWORK STAR I didn't bother following them. Why should I? I thought, I know what I'm doing. HA! I carefully assembled the pizzas and plopped them on the fired up Weber grill. Covered them with the lid and was all full of myself.

Little did I know that grilling everything at once, dough and toppings together at once, made for a burnt pizza crust that stuck to the grill! OHMYGAD! I couldn't get them off the dang grill! What was I to do? I tried to get them off with a spatula. It didn't work. I tried folding them over like a big calzone. That made them tear apart into a big glob of saucy goo. I tried to reassemble them into ta pizza likeness, but all that came out looked like something I stuck in a blender. But my kids, being good sports, nibbled at it anyway..........as they laughed wholeheartedly. That was ok, I laughed with them. I learned a lot that day. You decide what.

I could do that!

I finished a "romance novel" last night. I needed some escape from my usual predictable life, so I read the novel in haste. It was a nineteenth century English countryside setting. As I read it I realized that hey, I could write one of these novels! There's nothing really to it. I figured out some things; there needs to be a number of ingredients for this recipe called "the juicy novel". Here's what I think they are:
1. There has to be a tall, dark and handsome main character, male, of course.
2. There has to be a beautiful and curvy main female character.
3. Virginity plays a major role in the plot.
4. Losing one's virginity is another major factor in the plot.
5. Tension between the main characters has to exist; be it sexual or otherwise.
6. Conflict between classes has to be in the mix.
7. It has to be in the countryside of some land; or at least in an exciting atmosphere.
8. There are flawed but sympathetic secondary characters
9. There will be drinking
10. There will be explicit content.

So, there is my formula. Perhaps I can write one and make boatloads of money on the royalties???? One can dream, can't one? HAHAHA!

Death of a baby bird

Today I went into my backyard and noticed that the little baby bird on the ground was dead. I was so sad. Last Sunday I heard a bluejay singing and shrieking in the back yard. My dog was sniffing at something in the grass. As he did that a large momma bird shrieked and swooped down at him as if she were going to attack. I looked at where the dog was and saw a baby bird with newly formed feathers sitting quietly. It was still alive at the time. I told Trout (the dog) to leave the baby bird alone and come into the house with me, which he did. I felt helpless, knowing that there was no way I could take that bird and save it. I thought about retrieving it and putting it in a handmade nest, but I then figured it wouldn't eat from me and its mother certainly wouldn't take care of it once I handled it. So I let it be, hoping naively that perhaps the momma bird would somehow retrieve it and put it back into its' nest. But that wasn't to be. So now my husband is going out there to bury it in the garden. The momma bird is no longer in my tree; no more singing and shrieking. She's gone too.

TEETH!

Last night while munching on a leftover cold bbq rib I accidentally bit into the bone and suddenly I felt and heard " CRACK,CRUNCH". My two front teeth (caps mind you) were destroyed! As I searched into the remnants of my tasty snack I saw little white chips in the middle of it. (YUK). I was mortified to say the least, and shocked as all get out at the accident. My heart started racing, I ran to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. Low and behold as I opened my mouth all I had left were 2 little nubs of real front teeth staring back at me. OHMYGAD!!!! In my horror I looked like someone out of "Halloween". My heart sank; then as I kept looking the shock turned into amusement and I began to giggle uncontrollably. I reminded myself of an "I Love Lucy" episode where Lucy is the "Queen of the Gypsies."; toothless, hair all frizzed out and messed up, TOOTHLESS, with a big sh*t eatin' grin on her face. Thank God for Lucy! I guess I should count my blessings, I told myself. It didn't hurt at all when they cracked off my mouth. No blood, no nothing.......no teeth.

So today I went to the dentist thinking that this would take about an hour to put temporary caps back into my mouth so I could go to work tomorrow and not scare the bejesus out of the children. WRONG! I was snippily (is that a word?) informed that they needed the money up front before the dentist would proceed with fixing me up with temporaries. I was also informed that my dental insurance only pays 30 percent of the cost of the caps; and the caps cost almost 1000 dollars each!!! EGADS! So I call hubby at work and it must have been divine intervention because he answered the phone; and he never ever answers it. I told him the dentist wanted half the payment NOW and the other half in 10 days. Well I bet he turned blue just hearing that. So he rushed over to the dentist's office with a credit card to pay for it. Being mad is an understatement; he was furious. Reluctantly he gave the credit card to the receptionist and she tried to charge the nine hundred and something dollars to it; but it was DECLINED! I talked to the credit card rep who informed me that there was only 300 left on it. Well, I think hubby was ready to go postal as he loudly stated to the poor clerk "I've been coming here for years!" to which I flatly and calmly told him to calm down. Which he did, as he drove off to the bank to get the cash for payment. So 2 hours later I am still at the dentists waiting to get temps put back in my mouth. Hubby returns finally, pays, and goes home.....(thank God). By this time he was ready to split a gut. An hour later, after some mouth acrobatics, spitting and vacuuming the nice, slimmer, good looking dentist got the temps in. Now I can smile like a normal person again...for now, that is. Until I get the final bill! So three and a half hours later and 2000 dollars poorer I have new front teeth. Thank God for small favors eh??? ;-)

Let Freedom Ring!

We made it through another 4th of July celebration. It was a glorious day! No hot sticky humid yukky weather in which to walk 3 miles just to get to a good spot to watch the fireworks. We did that yesterday with our good friends. Friends we've known for 30 years and more. The tradition of this couple of friends coming over on the Fourth started when the kids were very small. Now their kids are grown, gone and have lives of their own. They brought their puppy instead ;-). My oldest son did bring his girlfriend and her small children. My other two adult kids were working and in Tennessee. It was nice to have children running around; playing with the new outdoor ball toss game they put together. We talked about the present state of affairs of our kids; but mostly remaniced about when they were small. <>.

I managed to get the food all done that morning. Potato salad, pasta salad, fire roasted corn and jalapeno dip with baked tortilla chips, roasted corn on the cob and bbq'd ribs. I admit it takes me A LOT longer to get everything done now that I'm getting older. Hubby made country style ribs. They were delicious! He could go one on one with Bobby Flay without flinching. The corn dip was a big hit! The recipe is from Emeril Lagasse from the Food Network (www.foodnetwork.com). Hey, I give credit where it's due! All in all it was a wonderful afternoon. After our friends left ,my son, his love, and her 3 little ones all took a nap in the living room while watching Ninja Turtles ;-). It was so nice and peaceful; I even managed to clean up afterwards, make myself some much needed coffee, and relax! FAMILY, FRIENDS, FOOD, LOVE. Life is good....................